Sunday, August 23, 2009

I wonder sometimes

I wonder sometimes when somewhere will truly feel like home again. Oh places I live feel like a home, and are special to me. But no where has the true home feeling like it used it. No where feels like I can collect tons of stuff and leave it there. I'm like a nomad, I travel light and keep it easy to pack up for when the next time to move comes. I miss having a true home. I hope soon I will have one again, it'd be nice to be able to truly unpack for the first time in six years. It'd be nice to be able to paint a wall the color I want that wall, instead of tan. It'd be nice to actually have a place to put everything and not to be living out of plastic bins cheap furniture. But who knows when that will ever happen. And yes I call my parents house home, but in truth that was never my true home. When they moved from our old house thats when my "home" stopped being "home." The new house was for the two of them and when my brother and I needed somewhere to be of course it was for us, but really it's my parents house, not the entire family's. And my home in California while it is home for now and I love when I come back from visiting somewhere to feel so happy to be home, it still isn't that same feeling. Does anywhere ever have that feeling "home" that the house you grew up in did? Maybe after you're married and have kids it does. Maybe I'll find out one day. For now I'll just be a nomad, never quite knowing where I'll go next and happy to be where I am for now.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I feel just like lost

I just feel lost lately. I'm not even sure why. I'm in school which was my main goal to achieve in my life since 2005, I have a job thats in the area I want to be working in, I have great friends who I live with. But yet I just feel like lost in life.

What am I doing this program at school for? Do I really want to just be an interior designer, I feel like there's more to me than just becoming a designer. And maybe this program will take unexpected turns and open doors for me that I have no way of seeing now. I know I some how want to help make peoples lives better through design, but like how the hell do you even begin? Do I just start my own design company after graduation? Do I work for another firm for awhile? I know it's far away but really it's not, only two years until I graduate, shouldn't I be thinking of where I want to be by then? I just feel confused I guess about school. Maybe part of it was that I was looking in specific programs for so long and then just stumbled upon this one that is much more broad and was kinda thrown into it without having much knowledge about
it so am still like wait what am I doing, what classes am I taking?? Its crazy. But I know its what I need to be doing right now because God worked it out so amazingly! Everything just fell into place and I know it wouldn't have happened if wasn't God's timing.

Also, I just really hate my job right now. I get so bored there, even though I only work two days a week I've come to just absolutely dread those two days of the week. My boss is crazy and never makes sense, I'm the only person who can do anything in the office (I'm the only one who works there) so everything falls onto me and it just sucks. Also I don't work with anyone else and I've always been a person who really really needs people around otherwise like the life is just sucked out of me and I get super depresses and bored. Even if its just at work for 8 hours that I'm without another person, it just really makes me crabby and hate life. I want to look for a new job, especially one that's a lot closer to home so I'm not spending so much money to just get to work, also so I have more time for school and so I'm so freaking tired when I get home. But I just don't even know where to start looking. No where I'd want to work is even hiring now. I just want an office job that's mindless so then I can come home and not be so tired from trying to eight thousand different things at once that I can't concentrate on school work! But no where wants a part time person for the mindless jobs. And of course no architects or designers are hiring because no one is building because no one has money! ARGH! I just feel so overwhelmed everytime I start to think about looking for a job that I just don't, which is pretty stupid/lame of me. I just need to do it. I know something will open up if it's right for me, but I just hate looking for jobs, I always have, it's so unnatural for me to just go up to some one and be like hire me cuz I'm awesome. so therefor I have a hard time with it. I kinda just want to be a full time student and not have a job and live off the money from school, but that's not gonna happen.

I also just feel lost in the relationship department. I just really don't even get relationships, how do they happen, what do you mean a boy has to actually like you and pursue you, how does this happen, why haven't any guys ever liked me or thought of me as worth pursuing?? Its just frustrating when you see so many people in relationships and getting engaged and married you've never even had a freaking boyfriend!!! What's so wrong with me? I think I'm a pretty cool girl, I'm pretty fun and silly and not too bad looking. And yeah yeah yeah the right person just hasn't come along yet blah blah blah BLAH! I know I know, I get it whatever, but you probably have someone so have no idea how it feels to watch you get married and be so happy and excited. It hurts, I want that feeling, I want to feel loved and know what its like to love someone. And right now its seems as if I'll never know. It's hard to have perspective when the one thing you crave so badly feels like it'll never happen. But whatever, I'll just become a nun at age 40, so not a big deal. I pray about this all the time to God and I just keep hearing him say "wait" and "soon" but ok God it's been like over a year since I've really started praying about this, and maybe in your book soon is like a few years, but to me it's NOW! I'm sick of being patient and waiting, I'm sick of being the girl who's never had a boyfriend or been on a date and people look at with disbelief when they find this out like "really, whats wrong with you?" It just sucks. Most days I come to conclusion that boys just must not like me or think me worth the time. But I know thats wrong and that just the enemy trying to attack me, so I have to fight through those feelings and know I'm worth it and that any guys who I've liked in the past aren't worthy of ME and that the one God has for me just hasn't come along yet, or has and I don't know it because it's just not the right time yet. It still sucks though. It'd be nice for it to hurry up a little God...just saying.

Conclusion. I feel like I have no direction in my life right now, and I feel like I should because I'm almost 25, and shouldn't I have my life somewhat figured out by now so I'm not just floating through life? Idk, there's just a lot of questions in my life right now and I guess we'll see where the answers come from and how they're answered.

The end.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


wow really good at this whole blog thing huh? oh well I only missed one day so far, not too bad. I dunno I just feel like I don't have much to talk about. Well that's not true I do, I'm just not ready to write it all out, I don't even know how to yet. Someday I will. Someday I'll get it all out. Probably I'm the only one who understands this post, but whatever, that's really what these are for aren't they. It's just the new version of a diary, so really you don't have to understand it, cuz these are my thoughts and my words, so I'm the only one who matters in this little world. ok I'm tired. time for bed. goodnight.

Monday, August 3, 2009

"Opportunity" Pete Murray

And so it goes another lonely day
Your savin time but your miles away
Your fly was drownin in some bitter tea
For seeing lost opportunity

Find your mirror go and look inside
And see the talent you always hide
Don't go kidd yourself well not today
Satisfaction's not to far away

Hold on now your exits hereIt's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Soon you'll see

Your coffee's warm but your milk is sour
Life is short but your here to flower
Dream yourself along another day
Never miss opportunity

Don't be scared of what you cannot see
Your only fear is possibility
Never wonder what the hell went wrong
Your second chance may never come along

Hold on now your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too longIt's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Soon you'll see
Hold on now your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Sunday, August 2, 2009

oh man...

almost forgot to write today! Well today wasn't much of anything. Ran to the mall with Heather and Ashlee. Did grocery shopping. Read and watched TV. Got free dinner from the twin's mom. not too bad. I have to work tomorrow and I'm so not excited. I really need a new job, one thats close to home so I'm not spending 30 bucks a week just for two days of work and for a job I detest. sigh. I'll start looking again this month, see what I can find. Well anyway that's all really. this was more a post to start getting me into the habit of writing everyday. Off to bed to read for a bit then sleep since I have to get up at 5 freaking AM! (another reason I need a new job)

Saturday, August 1, 2009

I'm bored.

Life is beginning to get stuck in a rut already. I hate my job and I'm doing school and that's it. bleh. I mean don't get me wrong I'm super happy to be in grad school finally and to be moving forward that way, but I feel like I just don't do anything anymore. Probably because classes are all online so I like never leave the freaking house. I need something fun in life besides just school and my few days of work which lets face it right now aren't very fun. Maybe next semester classes will be better and I'll actually start enjoying school, I spose that could make a difference huh?

I'm reading Julie and Julia right now and it's starting to inspire me, not to cook the entire contents of one of Julia Childs cook books, but just to actually start doing something like that for a year. Idk. I just feel like I need something else in life right now. This also could be the hormones talking's pms week....which let's face is never a good week and makes any girl morose. oi vay.