How long must I pray
Must I pray to You
How long must I wait
Must I wait for You
How long 'till I see Your face
See You shining through

I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You turn to me

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart

One life is all I am
Right now, I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid
Afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away
Before I say goodbye

But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why
Cause I'm on my knees
Begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You run to me

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

my life in texts 3

(back story: mom had asked me about a guy and I was annoyed with her so had to share with Ashlee and this is the resulting convo that morning...)

Ashlee: Gah! That's annoying. Oh waiting. Am I going to be waiting for the rest of my life? Until I DIE? Feels like it. Gah I feel like a freak. Boys/men are buttholes.

Me: I know!!! I'm just like why....just why??!!?

Me: I just don't get it! this whole boy thing! How do people get one?? Cuz I'm pretty sure no guy has ever liked me so how do you get one to? It's a mystery!

Ashlee: Gahhhhhh!!! I quit everything!!!

Me: ok let's leave. Let's go live in the Greek Isles!

Ashlee: I quit everything except the Greek Isles. Peace out Boss. Mmm. I want a gyro.

Me: LOL. I want ice cream coffee on the beach.

Ashlee: Ok. And sex on the beach? Let's get em!

Ashlee: I feel like bfs are like myths like unicorns and leprechans or something. I hate being stuck at the freakin terminal! Where's my redeye?? (from an earlier convo where we decided people with significant others are on Jet Blue flying away and we're on Delta stuck at the airport)

Me: I know I fucking wanna be on Jet Blue!!!

Ashlee: If I ever get on I'm gonna slap him for making me wait so damn long for him.

Me: hahahaha!!!

Ashlee: It needs to be done. Today, that is. Well just work. And waiting. waitings needs to be done too. And there should be Mexican food and margs for lunch. Always.

Me: Everything needs to be done. Lets go to Mexico now, then we'll have Mexican and margs everyday! Plz? I'll live on a beach. I have no prob with that!

Me: Or where are there cute boys? Maybe Spain? Let's go there. We'll pick up Spanish quick I'm sure!

A true Californian....

So I was accepted into a Master's program through the Academy of Art University. It's in San Fran but I'm doing it all online so I'm officially staying in Cali. It's so weird! When I moved down here I was like well it's only for a year because I'll do school next year so I'll be moving. Plus I never really wanted to move to California. I was never one of those people who dreamt of sun and beaches, I was happy in Seattle. But now that I'm in school and I don't need to move I'm not going to. I'm sick of moving, I have at least once a year since 2003 and it sucks! So I'm staying...which means I will have become a Californian resident. I know it's trivial and stupid but it makes me sad. I miss Washington and I'll be sad to not officially be a Washingtonian anymore! And I guess now when I'm somewhere far away and people ask where I'm from I'll have to say LA.

I just find it strange that I'll soon be a Californian, my car will be a Californian, I'll have one of those horrid yellow liscenses and a stupid white liscense plate for my car. But I'll always be a Seattle girl at heart, and I really really want to end up back there someday because it's home and always will be.

I'm finally starting to see why God brought me down here. I would have never found this job, or found the school or done a lot of other things I have over the past year if I hadn't moved here with my girls! So for now, it's here.

What I've been learning...

Lately I've been learning how to truly give my heart to God and how to let him be enough for me. I don't know why it's so hard to do that when you know how awesome it is to have his love fill you, but everyday it's a struggle to give him my heart and let him love me! I think Satan likes to tell me that the love I long for can only be satisfied by a man, and I know it's not true but sometimes it feels that way. And then I'm like what the heck! That is so not true, what have I been thinking?? And I have to start all over with God. But that's another thing I've learnt, God is always there, waiting patiently for us. It's pretty amazing. It's still hard though when you crave a romantic love and all these people around you have found it but you haven't. You can't help but wonder why. And then I go back to God and know that it's not time yet, he still has more to teach me. And in the future when I do have that love I so crave it'll be so much richer because of what I'll have already learned! I won't be relying on a man to satisfy my heart, because that will never work, only God will! My mom and I were talking and she was saying how it's awesome that I've been learning this because in the future I won't look to a man or to children or anyone but God to fill that emptyness in my heart. Only God can fill it, and once you know that and have that figured out your relationships with friends and family are so much stronger. Those were just my thoughts this morning and thought I'd share.

Waiting waiting waiting...

I feel like the past two years have been a waiting game for me. Waiting on school, waiting on what to do next, waiting on life in general. I thought moving down to California was "it." Well it is only part of it. I've kinda started to realize that perhaps lighting design isn't what I really want to ultimately do, but then again I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up! But I feel like over the past month God has started to show me a new path....well not new but different from what I thought...for my life. I applied for art history programs and I'm interviewing this weekend with one in DC and I'm really really excited about it!!! I still crave to live in New York and Parsons is still a dream of mine, but maybe it's just not time for all that yet.

When I first applied to the two schools in DC I kinda just did it to appease my brother and parents, but now I'm starting to see it for myself more and more. The classes look awesome and like so much fun, and really there isn't anything I love more than art and design! People ask me what I want to do with that degree...I HAVE NO IDEA!!!! I'm only 24 for goodness sake! Do I have to have my life planned out so much so that I know what I'll be wearing on October 23rd 2015?? Geez people, give me a break. All I know is that God is opening another door for me and I just have to wait to see where that door leads. I kinda feel stupid after me saying for so long that I want to do lighting I want to do lighting. But then again, I didn't really know, and these past 9 months here have shown me that while I enjoy it it's not really what I see myself doing for the rest of my life! What I blessing to figure that out now than in 5 years when suddenly I'm not happy at all and can't understand why.

I've been learning lately to rely on God more and more. To cast all my worries and frustrations and fears on him. He can take it much better than I can that's for sure! And God will fight for me, I can't do it all on my own, I need him to be there by my side and to take over. I've also learned to truly trust God because he'll never let me down! I've always trusted God, but over the past months he's been testing my trust for him. Not only my trust for him but also the patience that goes along with trusting him! Patience is a hard one for me because I want what I want and I want it now! But part of trusting God is knowing that he'll fulfill the desires of your heart in his perfect timing. His perfect timing. I feel like I've said that phrase so many times over the past months, but it's true. We can't make things happen in our lives without God there because we may think we know best but really what do we know?? Only God knows when we're ready for that next step and will bring us to it in His time, not before we're ready and not after the fact.

So I'm waiting and putting my trust in God and trying to have patience with him. I have no idea what will be happening in the next few months but I'm excited to see where God brings me! And who he brings into my life! Life sure is an adventure....everything adventurous.

Workedy work work

So I'm sitting here at work with nothing to do because I finished all the details for this little tiny project we got yesterday, I'm just a superstar drafter and do it too fast! Lol, just kidding. I haven't like actually blogged for a long time! Whats happened since the last time, well there was Christmas. It was really nice to go home for a couple weeks, I was getting super home sick, plus it was snowy there so that was fun! Then I came back down here and started work again, I got sick after the first week with a really bad cold, that sucked. And that same weeked Aimee and Megan came down for a long weekend visit! We had a blast. We took them around town and to the beach and to another beach and we went into Hollywood and ate at Ketchup. That weekend went by too fast! I guess the next weekend was my birthday, the twins and I decided we'd go to Vegas that Friday! Lol, it was totally spur of the moment, we didn't plan it until the Wednesday night before! We had a great time, we just walked around and did some slots and saw the hotels and casinos and got hit on by tons of gross guys! What fun! haha. then the next weekend we did our original plan for my birthday which was to get matching tattoos! It's a Kurt Halsey inspired tattoo. It says "Everything Adventurous" and has two little stars by it, the start represent the other two of us. So for me, Heather and Ashlee. I was super nervous to get it because I couldn't help but think what if I don't want this is like a few months, what if I get sick of it. But I decided to take the plunge and just go ahead and get it. The process was way better than I thought it'd be. It hurt but no where near as bad as I thought! I guess that's all we've done so far.

I applied to a bunch of schools this month. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for Parson's but now I don't know if I'd rather do Lighting or Art History!!! Life is so hard! I'm almost kinda leaning toward Art History, but I just really have no idea, and am hoping God will make it easy for me and give me a clear path. If I get accepted to both programs I really don't know which I'll choose. This is all of course if I even get accepted into any programs! We all know how school has worked out so well the past two years! Stupid grad schools. I just really feel like school is the next step for me and I have no idea why. It just is, people tell me I should just work because I'll learn just as much that way as I will in school, but no, that's not what I wanna do. I'd be sad to move away from the girls though, I used to want to live on my own, but now I don't anymore, its too much fun to have roommates who you love! But I won't worry about that until the time comes.

In the meanwhile I'm just working and having adventures with the roommates. Work is fine, its just slow because we have no projects right now, so that sucks. We're waiting to hear about a big hotel in Korea that my boss did the lighting for a few years ago, and now they're doing a new part of the hotel. But they haven't responded to us yet, so we're abit worried about that, hopefully we'll hear next week that they chose us!

Our adventures are fun, we haven't done many actual adventures since we all got home from Christmas, mostly because we already had plans. But we want to start hiking again and exploring the area some more! I want to go out to Palm Springs...but we would need money for that since like the only thing to do there is stay at a hotel. And we want to go explore Malibu because we keep hearing how amazing it is! I'm sure we'll come up with some fun ideas in the near future. Well I can't think of anything else to write about, so I'll go back to not working for the rest of the day!

25 things about me

I've already done this but I have time now and want to do another one so here goes:

1. I have a tattoo
2. I'm afraid of the dark, my mind runs wild with bad things that could happen in the dark...
3. I hate the feeling of wet grass against skin!
4. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 23
5. I've been to Vegas and back in about 12 hours.
6. One of my worst nightmares is having a huge, foofy, disgusting, typical wedding.
7. I can't live with the color red around me.
8. I've smoked a cigar.
9. When my brother and I were little we would shoot slugs with a bb gun and then put a mighty might in the bb hole and blow up the slug, we thought it was fantastic....
10. I wish I could always be barefoot, or at least always wear sandals.
11. I hate disorder, yet my room is constantly a mess.
12. I have to have a specific type of foam pillow to sleep on, no other type will do, I just don't sleep as well.
13. I someday want to own a Mini Cooper, hopefully it'll be my next car.
14. I think I've met the man I'm going marry.
15. If I had to choose only one place to live for the rest of my life, hands down I'd choose Seattle.
16. I wish I played tennis more often.
17. Lunch is my least favorite meal of the day, I never know what to eat.
18. I broke both my arms at the same time in 6th grade, that was pretty awesome.
19. I think one of the best feelings in the world is just holding someone's hand.
20. My family has an alter ego for me when I'm grouchy, her name is Benny.
21. I swear way too much!
22. I don't sleep unless I take sleeping pills.
23. I think sneezing is fun!
24. I love the fish section of pet stores! I think fish tanks are like the coolest things ever, and when I'm finally living in one place for awhile I want to have a huge saltwater fish tank!
25. I haven't had any food with wheat in it since July 2007! Before that I was bad and would cheat on my diet a lot and get sick a lot.