What I've been learning...

Lately I've been learning how to truly give my heart to God and how to let him be enough for me. I don't know why it's so hard to do that when you know how awesome it is to have his love fill you, but everyday it's a struggle to give him my heart and let him love me! I think Satan likes to tell me that the love I long for can only be satisfied by a man, and I know it's not true but sometimes it feels that way. And then I'm like what the heck! That is so not true, what have I been thinking?? And I have to start all over with God. But that's another thing I've learnt, God is always there, waiting patiently for us. It's pretty amazing. It's still hard though when you crave a romantic love and all these people around you have found it but you haven't. You can't help but wonder why. And then I go back to God and know that it's not time yet, he still has more to teach me. And in the future when I do have that love I so crave it'll be so much richer because of what I'll have already learned! I won't be relying on a man to satisfy my heart, because that will never work, only God will! My mom and I were talking and she was saying how it's awesome that I've been learning this because in the future I won't look to a man or to children or anyone but God to fill that emptyness in my heart. Only God can fill it, and once you know that and have that figured out your relationships with friends and family are so much stronger. Those were just my thoughts this morning and thought I'd share.

Waiting waiting waiting...

I feel like the past two years have been a waiting game for me. Waiting on school, waiting on what to do next, waiting on life in general. I thought moving down to California was "it." Well it is only part of it. I've kinda started to realize that perhaps lighting design isn't what I really want to ultimately do, but then again I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up! But I feel like over the past month God has started to show me a new path....well not new but different from what I thought...for my life. I applied for art history programs and I'm interviewing this weekend with one in DC and I'm really really excited about it!!! I still crave to live in New York and Parsons is still a dream of mine, but maybe it's just not time for all that yet.

When I first applied to the two schools in DC I kinda just did it to appease my brother and parents, but now I'm starting to see it for myself more and more. The classes look awesome and like so much fun, and really there isn't anything I love more than art and design! People ask me what I want to do with that degree...I HAVE NO IDEA!!!! I'm only 24 for goodness sake! Do I have to have my life planned out so much so that I know what I'll be wearing on October 23rd 2015?? Geez people, give me a break. All I know is that God is opening another door for me and I just have to wait to see where that door leads. I kinda feel stupid after me saying for so long that I want to do lighting I want to do lighting. But then again, I didn't really know, and these past 9 months here have shown me that while I enjoy it it's not really what I see myself doing for the rest of my life! What I blessing to figure that out now than in 5 years when suddenly I'm not happy at all and can't understand why.

I've been learning lately to rely on God more and more. To cast all my worries and frustrations and fears on him. He can take it much better than I can that's for sure! And God will fight for me, I can't do it all on my own, I need him to be there by my side and to take over. I've also learned to truly trust God because he'll never let me down! I've always trusted God, but over the past months he's been testing my trust for him. Not only my trust for him but also the patience that goes along with trusting him! Patience is a hard one for me because I want what I want and I want it now! But part of trusting God is knowing that he'll fulfill the desires of your heart in his perfect timing. His perfect timing. I feel like I've said that phrase so many times over the past months, but it's true. We can't make things happen in our lives without God there because we may think we know best but really what do we know?? Only God knows when we're ready for that next step and will bring us to it in His time, not before we're ready and not after the fact.

So I'm waiting and putting my trust in God and trying to have patience with him. I have no idea what will be happening in the next few months but I'm excited to see where God brings me! And who he brings into my life! Life sure is an adventure....everything adventurous.

Workedy work work

So I'm sitting here at work with nothing to do because I finished all the details for this little tiny project we got yesterday, I'm just a superstar drafter and do it too fast! Lol, just kidding. I haven't like actually blogged for a long time! Whats happened since the last time, well there was Christmas. It was really nice to go home for a couple weeks, I was getting super home sick, plus it was snowy there so that was fun! Then I came back down here and started work again, I got sick after the first week with a really bad cold, that sucked. And that same weeked Aimee and Megan came down for a long weekend visit! We had a blast. We took them around town and to the beach and to another beach and we went into Hollywood and ate at Ketchup. That weekend went by too fast! I guess the next weekend was my birthday, the twins and I decided we'd go to Vegas that Friday! Lol, it was totally spur of the moment, we didn't plan it until the Wednesday night before! We had a great time, we just walked around and did some slots and saw the hotels and casinos and got hit on by tons of gross guys! What fun! haha. then the next weekend we did our original plan for my birthday which was to get matching tattoos! It's a Kurt Halsey inspired tattoo. It says "Everything Adventurous" and has two little stars by it, the start represent the other two of us. So for me, Heather and Ashlee. I was super nervous to get it because I couldn't help but think what if I don't want this is like a few months, what if I get sick of it. But I decided to take the plunge and just go ahead and get it. The process was way better than I thought it'd be. It hurt but no where near as bad as I thought! I guess that's all we've done so far.

I applied to a bunch of schools this month. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for Parson's but now I don't know if I'd rather do Lighting or Art History!!! Life is so hard! I'm almost kinda leaning toward Art History, but I just really have no idea, and am hoping God will make it easy for me and give me a clear path. If I get accepted to both programs I really don't know which I'll choose. This is all of course if I even get accepted into any programs! We all know how school has worked out so well the past two years! Stupid grad schools. I just really feel like school is the next step for me and I have no idea why. It just is, people tell me I should just work because I'll learn just as much that way as I will in school, but no, that's not what I wanna do. I'd be sad to move away from the girls though, I used to want to live on my own, but now I don't anymore, its too much fun to have roommates who you love! But I won't worry about that until the time comes.

In the meanwhile I'm just working and having adventures with the roommates. Work is fine, its just slow because we have no projects right now, so that sucks. We're waiting to hear about a big hotel in Korea that my boss did the lighting for a few years ago, and now they're doing a new part of the hotel. But they haven't responded to us yet, so we're abit worried about that, hopefully we'll hear next week that they chose us!

Our adventures are fun, we haven't done many actual adventures since we all got home from Christmas, mostly because we already had plans. But we want to start hiking again and exploring the area some more! I want to go out to Palm Springs...but we would need money for that since like the only thing to do there is stay at a hotel. And we want to go explore Malibu because we keep hearing how amazing it is! I'm sure we'll come up with some fun ideas in the near future. Well I can't think of anything else to write about, so I'll go back to not working for the rest of the day!

25 things about me

I've already done this but I have time now and want to do another one so here goes:

1. I have a tattoo
2. I'm afraid of the dark, my mind runs wild with bad things that could happen in the dark...
3. I hate the feeling of wet grass against skin!
4. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 23
5. I've been to Vegas and back in about 12 hours.
6. One of my worst nightmares is having a huge, foofy, disgusting, typical wedding.
7. I can't live with the color red around me.
8. I've smoked a cigar.
9. When my brother and I were little we would shoot slugs with a bb gun and then put a mighty might in the bb hole and blow up the slug, we thought it was fantastic....
10. I wish I could always be barefoot, or at least always wear sandals.
11. I hate disorder, yet my room is constantly a mess.
12. I have to have a specific type of foam pillow to sleep on, no other type will do, I just don't sleep as well.
13. I someday want to own a Mini Cooper, hopefully it'll be my next car.
14. I think I've met the man I'm going marry.
15. If I had to choose only one place to live for the rest of my life, hands down I'd choose Seattle.
16. I wish I played tennis more often.
17. Lunch is my least favorite meal of the day, I never know what to eat.
18. I broke both my arms at the same time in 6th grade, that was pretty awesome.
19. I think one of the best feelings in the world is just holding someone's hand.
20. My family has an alter ego for me when I'm grouchy, her name is Benny.
21. I swear way too much!
22. I don't sleep unless I take sleeping pills.
23. I think sneezing is fun!
24. I love the fish section of pet stores! I think fish tanks are like the coolest things ever, and when I'm finally living in one place for awhile I want to have a huge saltwater fish tank!
25. I haven't had any food with wheat in it since July 2007! Before that I was bad and would cheat on my diet a lot and get sick a lot.

Stupid married people.

Being a girl of 23 and seeing like everyone you know getting engaged and married you can't help but think WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME! WHY DON'T I EVEN HAVE A BOYFRIEND? THESE PEOPLE ARE GETTING FUCKING MARRIED? And yes the voice yells in your head like that. It's really disgusting because I don't even want to be married! Like seriously I don't! Someday yes, but not now! But the way these selfish girls who are engaged rub it in our single faces that they have a someone just makes your mind run wild with thoughts of why the hell you don't have a someone (they're selfish because they don't see anything but their happy little world and don't know that that's what they're doing and can't take off the rose colored glasses and won't be able to until after the first year of marriage)! I didn't start having these horrid thoughts about marriage until this year! I'm not sure if it's the age or just the fact that suddenly (and yes it's sudden) everyone and their mother is getting married! I know that God has that someone out there for me and when the time is right blah blah blah blah...but it doesn't make it any easier being a single girl. I try to be patient and wait, but somedays it just is not fun to be patient. It sucks. But then I remind myself, dude you can do whatever you want! You don't have another person you have to think about! I could just pick and move if I wanted, I could travel the world, I can go out to Hollywood with my girls and not get home until 3am, hell I could make out with a random guy if I wanted and it doesn't matter! It's pretty awesome to have that kind of freedom and possibilities in life. I can still have adventure in my life and when I finally do find that someone I won't regret getting married too young and not being able to do all the things I wanted in life and go through a mid-life crisis! I feel much better now, thank you for letting me rant. And if any of you are engaged or married reading this you can't get mad at me because you don't know what it's like, you really really don't. And p.s I am happy for you all that you're getting married I really am, but seriously don't rub it in our faces.

My life in texts 2

Me: Did you go in late today?

Ash: Yeah I figured since I was staying an hour late that I would go in late.

Me: Yeah totally! I wish I could've I'm so tired! And I really don't have anything to do just yet. Oh well.

Me: K ready to go home now.

Ash: YEah me too. I can't focus and don't want to do anything. Let's get a hotel in LA and take a nap before we go to Key Club.

Me: Good idea! Let's go now!

Ash: OMG lame lady at work is bragging during out meeting about seeing Obama in Chicago this weekend. Annoying.... :p

Me: Stupid!

Ash: OMG Im soooo bored. I don't want to do anything. I don't feel super great and I so can't focus. This really sucks! I have like 3 hours left.

Me: Exactly the same over here, but I have 2 hours and 20 min.

Ash: Meh. I can only go all my blogs and Facebook so many times....I just need to get in the zone and focus cuz I know time would fly if I did.

Me: Yeah today's gone fast for me! So that's good. I just got ADD after lunch.

Ash: If you get a chance go to the link on my facebook for Sure Cruise and look through the pics, theyre really funny.

Me: Yeah I wanted to! I'll probably have to wait until tonight.

Me: AAAAA! get me out of here, I wanna get the thing I'm working on done but Allan just got back from lunch and is now doing something! I need him to make sure it looks ok.

Ash: Boo! Gahh I have 2 hours left!!! Idk if I can do it! I have ADD really bad. qw;aelrhasekrha,dfnakfhalernak

Ash: Susan if havin me look for and effing chair that is "ours" and she can't find. WTF?? Seriously?! I'm effing trying to work.

Ash: OMG the dude has his effing heater on again! Seriously it's like 67 outside not like it's effing snowing. I'm so hot!

Me: OMG so close!

Ash: Fffffffff! I wish I could go now. Stupid hour. Mehhhh.

Me: Do you have deoderant by any chance? I totally forgot to put it on this morning!!! How do u forget something like that?

Ash: No but I have smelly goods

Me: I think I'm ok it's not like I was running marathons today. I just feel gross.

Ash: Lol sorry. I hate when I forget stuff like that.

Me: Oh great I'm gonna get the weirdo bus driver becuz I didn't leave the office until 345!

Me: (about deoderant) I know at least it wasn't forgetting to brush my teeth!

Ash: Eww!

Me: (to Heather now) Having fun on the train?

Heather: No! It's sooo boring! But I have my Ipod and a book so it's not too awfully bad.

Me: Well that's good. I'm so not excited I will get the bus with the weirdo bus driver becuz I didn't get out of the office until 3:45! He's so weird you don't even know.

Heather: Bummer! I am not a fan of weirdos! but soon we will be meeting Heather!!! Yay!

Me: Woo Hoo! I'm hungry!

Heather: Me too! I wanna eat a huge burger or burrito or plate of nachos!!!

Me: MMM burger!

Heather: Man I forgot to really eat lunch...I just had a sad salad early and was going ot eat before I left but forgot...I'm being super smart today!

Me: Damn bus isn't here yet! Grr. Maybe I won't get the annoying driver. Oh great there's a skater trying to get my attention. Ew dude you're like 16!

Heather: I'm sad your bus isn't there. But laughing about the boy!!! You are too irresitable and age doesn't matter to him! :)

Me: Haha must be it. I could be a cougar! And illegal. I would've thought he was cute in high school.

Heather: HAhahaha! Well Taryn's sister was doing a 17 year old who she used to nanny for.....

Me: Ew! That's just wrong!

Heather: I know!!! So gross!! I understand a year or two younger but come on not a high schooler!

Me: Seriously!

Heather: Did your bus come?

Me: yeah. It's never good when the bus driver gets off the bus!

Heather: Well I'm glad it came! What a wack a doodle!

Me: yeah it's weird when they suddenly get off! Ew haha that's what she said! Oh my gosh I'm starving!

Heather: Oh you! :) you're funny! I'm hungry too.

Me: :P

Heather: are you at the station yet?

Me: not yet, it's taking forever today!

Heather: Okay, I'm SLOWLY SLOWLY pulling in. We had to make 2 extra random stops

Me: Weird! I'll see you in front

Heather: K

Me: Ash is there

Heather: With her

Me: I'm basically here you can pick me up on the street if you want, I'm up on Cesar and Vignes

Heather: Coming I think

Me: Ok!

The end.

My life in texts.

November 6th, 2008

Ashlee: Of course there's an accident when I get up late!
Me: Suck!
Me: Can today be Friday please?!
Ashlee: I know and now that I'm almost to work I feel really sick.
Me: It's just cuz you're going to work.
Me: Listen to Brett Dennen, he makes things better. I decided to have to start listening to happier music becuz I kept listening to emo stuff that was too drepressing!
Me: Ok weird! there was an excericse class in the middle of one of the parking lots downtown!
Ashlee: Finally here. That's so weird. I think that's a great idea to listen to positive music. I had been thinking about listening to my old Christian music again.
Me: Yeah I need to put that stuff on my iPod. I realized the other day how depressing the music was! I was like damn emo's they have such great music but it makes me sad. So today is all Brett and Jack.
Me: Some of the bus drivers r so rude! if someone tries to go out the front door becuz the rear door is too crowded to get to they're like us the rear door! It's like seriously is it that big of a deal?
Ashlee: Jerks!!! OMG I don't wanna be here right now. I haven't even started anything adn I just wanna go. Plus I'm starving like crazy and I have zero food.
Me:Go to Sbux. I don't wanna go today either! Hopefully it'll go fast like it did yesterday!
Ashlee: yeah I think I will even though I shouldn't. It's not healthy to starve right? Lol. I think work goes faster when I actually make an effort. What a surprise!
Me:Haha same here. I have a bunch to do today so that's good. It's not healthy to starve! I kinda want somethig from there but I did yesterday so shouldn't again. It was only tea though.
Ashlee:Lol well if that's all it was then I give you permission. P.s. I almost wrote wad instead of was....nice.
Me:I almost write lots of weird words with this phone!
Me: K let's go home now! :p
Ashlee: word g-money
Me: Haha I love that movie!
Ashlee: Haven't read it yet but dooce has her letter to Leta up!! Those are some of my favorite posts of hers!!! Yay! Happy almost Friday!!
Ashlee: Soy is better today. They must have burnt it bad the other day. I think it's Brett time!
Me: Oh good!
Ashlee: I want to have Brett's babies. Except for not cuz they would be big goofy looking wack-a-doodle babies. Lol. How about I stop talking (texting) and get to work. :P
Ashlee: Ha I just downloaded an NFL app to my phone. Wow I really need to get to work.
Me: your text earlier about Brett made me laugh so hard. I still do when I think about it!
Ashlee: Haha I'm a dork.
Me: I'm glad it's almost noon! We r busy which is good! I'm doing everything for that mall in Jordan! U should tell Daniel if it's built before he leaves he better go and tell me the lighting is amazing!
Ashlee: Haha I will. I'm annoyed I wanted to have the girls approve my outfits cuz Susan wasn't here but I think she just got here. It's easier with the girls than her!
Me: Haha yeah they're probably like good next good next.
Ashlee: yeah super easy and she has to look at them for 5 min or something!
Ashlee: search for style8955 on Myshape. you will die!
Me: Oh dear! I will as soon as Allan goes to lunch!
Me: speaking of which he just left for an hour and a half! yes!
Ashlee: love it when bosses are gone! it's the best!
Me: except then he came back and called someone and left a message saying he'd be back 1230 or 1. I was like damn!
Ashlee: Lame!
Me: Now that I've worked like a mad woman all morning i don't wanna anymore! I'm tired and done!
Ashlee: Me too! but its time for her to approve me. Blehhhhhhg!
Me: OMG so frickin' cute! can I buy it now?! (outfit earlier)
Me: Yay! 1!
Ashlee: Woo woo!
Me: Woah I totally just had dejavu!
Ashlee: it freaks me out when that happens!
Me: I know it's so weird!
Me: Dang I just go so sleepy! Let's go home and take naps!
Ashlee: Me too! Let's doooo!
Me: Yay Allan isn't back yet!
Ashlee: Yay! Susan is gone to lunch and I had her approve some stuff. Don't think I'm gonna have her approve the changes I'm making. Lol.
Me: Haha. Oh man I'm so add right now! I can't focus! Bleh!
Ashlee: Just got a call from MTV about a fashion show!!!! it's like Project Runway meets the Apprentice! Gonna fill out an application and send in a video asap! wow!!
Me: No way!
Ashlee: crazy right? I was like who is calling me? Then like OMG!
Me: HAHA I keep getting this image of u with these huge red headed babies in my mind! First of all u with a baby, and second u with oversized red headed goober babies! oh it's hilarious!
Ashlee: Lol I picture babies with huge heads and crazy ass red hair!
Me: Yeah! exactly I can't get it out of my head and I seriously laugh out loud everytime it pops in my head!
Me: People probably think I'm a freak! I'm over here giggling to myself!
Ashlee: Haha!!!
Me: so do we get to help you make a tape for the show?
Ashlee:Yes!
Me: Sweet!
Ashlee: Glad I made you laugh all day!
Me: I got the wack a doodle bus driver today! Haha my phone has wack a doodle stored in it!
Me: I'm gonna run to el grocery store do we need anything? Or do you guys need anything?
Ashlee: well I need sex but I don't think you can get that at the grocery store, so no.
Me: I'll go to the man store for us. Do you prefer dark or blond?
Ashlee:A little of both hahaha
Me: we can trade after a couple hours. haha Gross!
Ashlee: Gross lol
Me: we r wack a doodlel today!
Ashlee: You said it!